The loneliness

I wouldn’t say I am depressed about my situation but sometimes I do feel lonely.  I am surrounded by fantastic friends and my children are as attentive as their busy lives allow but I still feel lonely.

I have been with my partner all my adult life.  I was fourteen when we started dating and eighteen when we married.  I have never had to face any adult decision or situation alone.  He was beside me throughout my breast cancer treatment both physically and emotionally.  We have always done everything together.

It struck me recently how much that had changed when our radiators took it in turns to develop holes, the central heating boiler rebelled against its power flush and the cloakroom toilet pan broke.  It was down to me to deal with the various workman, coordinate the purchases and plan around it.  I did share it with my partner but he could not hold that many issues in his mind at once and although he wanted to help and understand, he couldn’t.  At times he panicked about everything that needed doing and we would sit down and discuss the plans but he ended up saying he would leave it with me.

I am not unique in having to face this, I know that.  I recently read the blog by The Alzheimer’s Wife where she was facing very similar things.  Those not in a relationship, face making decisions alone all the time.  I suppose the feeling is actually mourning for something I feel I have lost.  Something I didn’t think I would have to face losing.

I think Granddad needs some help.

They were playing in the living room.  Granddad was supposed to be helping with the jigsaws.  It was going well with the four and six piece jigsaws but then my granddaughter tipped out the double sided one.  At 26 months she needed help with that one but her Granddad has Young Onset Alzheimer’s and the puzzle was beyond him.

She has never known him without Alzheimer’s.  Obviously his dementia is deepening as she grows older but she appears to be taking this in her stride.  She never makes comparisons with her other two Granddads and has her own way of handling him.

On this occasion she came through to the kitchen and politely said that she thought Granddad needed some help.  I went through and turned all the pieces so they were the right way for one of the puzzles and the two of them continued playing.

More recently, we were helping her parents to move house.  There were many boxes that were not needed and Granddad was tasked with breaking them up before putting them in sacks to go down the tip.  On the third occasion he returned to the door to ask what he was supposed to be doing I asked our granddaughter, now 28 months, if she could help him.  After donning her coat and shoes and climbing out the door she turned to ask what Granddad was supposed to be doing so she could tell him.  The two of them worked together for nearly two hours with the young taskmaster keeping her granddad on track.

She knows to get him easy books to read to her, she knows he needs to rest, she knows he cannot get things from cupboards and knows he will walk round the garden with her for much longer than anyone else.

On a recent car journey when she was declaring everyone ‘silly’, my friend joined in and asked her if Granddad was silly.  No, Granddad was not silly, he just got tired easily and forgot things was the reply.